174 lines
7.2 KiB
Markdown
174 lines
7.2 KiB
Markdown
---
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created_at: '2017-02-12T00:53:15.000Z'
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title: The horror of blimps (2003)
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url: http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=160851
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author: coldtea
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points: 289
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story_text:
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comment_text:
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num_comments: 13
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story_id:
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story_title:
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story_url:
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parent_id:
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created_at_i: 1486860795
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_tags:
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- story
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- author_coldtea
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- story_13625895
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objectID: '13625895'
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year: 2003
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---
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**The horror of blimps**
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Last week while travelling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that
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they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great
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big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellors hanging
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from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in
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it, and you have a radio controll indoor blimp.
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I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At
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Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal\!
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Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I
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at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night
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we put the blimp together.
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Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3
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ft diameter.
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We blew it up with the tank attacched the gondola with the propellors,
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and put in batteries.
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Then we balanced the blimp for neutral bouyancy with this putty that
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came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor
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falling.
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It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey
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Mouse helium voices for my daughter.
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My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house,
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terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so
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easy my daughter could fly.
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Let's face it, blimps are fun.
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Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the
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blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went
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to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.
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At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating.
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I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it
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in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.
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The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a
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career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating,
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the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the
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living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the
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staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping
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peacefully.
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Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on
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invisible and tiny air currects it approached the bed.
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In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke.
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That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.
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I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly
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tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you.
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That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.
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I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large
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levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent
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through the maligant darkness.
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Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that
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there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the
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darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen
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carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.
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So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.
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On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing
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presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes,
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and there it was\! **A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME
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OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY\!\!\!**
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Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a
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security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar
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with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my
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brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT
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SINSITER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every
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panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's
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allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My
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metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY SHIT\! FIGHT FOR YOUR
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LIFE OR DIE\!\!\!\! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty
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something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.
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I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism
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and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in
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our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of
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evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only
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a matter of time until they show up. Evolution know this, too. It knows
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what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.
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When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you
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all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.
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Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to
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the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not
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that I'd know what that sounds like,) and lept out of bed in my
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underwear.
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I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell
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over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when
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you punch the living shit out of it with all the stength that sudden
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middle of the night terror produces.
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It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it
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about the room at terrifying velocity.
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Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it
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at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and
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putting a nice hole in the wall.)
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Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the
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blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and
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actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack.
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On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the
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toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd
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had.
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Unbeleivably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the
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incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I
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went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow
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survived the incident.
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I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated
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around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed
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the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years
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later I fell asleep.
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\*\*\*
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At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't
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aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that is
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was now floating around the the walk-in closet that she approached.
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The dyndamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the
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suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the
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appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.
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This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as
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I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an
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evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.
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I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I
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will.
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Some blimps are better off dead.
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